It's a Boy! - A Tale of Gender Disappointment
When are you going to try for a girl? Don’t you want a little girl to go with all those boys? The most simple of questions from well meaning strangers can sometimes cut so deep. You see I have three boys whom I love to the moon and back. I seriously wouldn't trade them for the world. They are my everything! But I didn't always feel that way about my guys, in fact I'm ashamed to admit the anger and disappointment I had surrounding my third son, Ewan.
When I became pregnant with my first son I fantasized about having a beautiful little blonde haired girl to cuddle and love. We would play dress up and tea party and bake cupcakes together while wearing matching aprons. When she grew older we would go shopping together and have lunch dates to gossip about boys. She would be my little princess, my everything.
Little princess soon turned into prince as those dreams were quickly dashed when the gender reveal ultrasound showed a, quite obvious, little boy. A son, ok I thought definitely not as great as a girl but there is always next time and now she will have a big brother to protect her. I wasn't even through my first pregnancy when I began dreaming of a little girl for my second.
Three years later and we were expecting again. I was never so happy. My morning sickness was short lived and I felt like I was glowing right away. This pregnancy was completely different, I just knew this finally had to be my little girl! We went in for the ultrasound and had the tech place a picture with the gender in a sealed envelope that I later delivered to our photographer. We decided to play it up big and booked a gender reveal photo session to capture the sheer joy and excitement of being blessed with a sweet girl.
For our gender reveal photo session our photographer bought silly string to spray at each other, which in turn would reveal whether we were welcoming a little boy or girl into our family. Armed with with my can of silly string I sprayed my husband only to be disappointed by the colorful blue string that landed on his shirt. Another boy. I tried to hide my disappointment since the camera was clicking away but those who know me best can see through the smile in those pictures.
I struggled to get through the rest of my pregnancy without anger and disappointment. It seemed as if everyone I knew who was pregnant was fortunate enough to be having a girl. Everyone but me was getting to buy pretty pink dresses and glittery sequined shoes. They were getting to mull over baby names like Adeline and Amelia or maybe Elizabeth or Penelope. I was stuck with the exhausted list of rejects from our first round of the baby naming game.
As the weeks passed I tried pulling myself out of the slump I was in. I should be happy, I told myself, I know all about little boys and his brother will be thrilled to have a play mate. I won't have to buy all new clothes so that will be great too. By the time he had made his unexpected arrival I was feeling better about being the mother of two boys.
I quickly began to enjoy life with my little guys and we soon found our rhythm as a family. Doing things with two boys was really no more difficult than having one. I can totally do this I thought. And then I found out we were pregnant again.
We weren't planning on meeting our maximum quota on children so quickly and we had both agreed that three children was just the right number for our family. So that was it #3 was our absolute last chance at having a girl. The cards had already been dealt it was now just a waiting game to see what we were given.
I convinced myself early on that this little being inside me had to be a girl. I had wished and prayed for a sweet pink bundle long enough, why would God force me to mother yet another little boy. I picked out the perfect girl names and narrowed the list down to two, Mathilda Louise or Evelyn Barbara. I sat on Pinterest pinning beautiful pink and white nurseries and dreaming of the adorable wardrobe she would have. I never once even considered the possibility of carrying another boy. It just wasn't an option. Everyone wanted a girl in the family, even our oldest son wished to have a little sister to play with, another boy just simply would not do.
On the day of the ultrasound everyone loaded into the car. We waited anxiously while baby was measured until finally the tech asked if we wanted to know the gender. She swirled the wand across my belly before settling on a spot. “There you go a healthy baby boy!” she exclaimed as tears ran down my face, “goodness three boys you sure will have your hands full!” I nodded but could not keep the tears back. We got home and I crumpled into bed. My phone was blowing up with texts from friends and family alike waiting to hear the news. The only text I could manage to send was one to my midwife, “It's a boy. I don't want to go through with this anymore”.
Was I truly considering terminating the pregnancy at this point? No, but I was so angry I just didn't know what else to say; I fell into a deep depression. I refused to talk about my pregnancy, I stopped shopping for baby stuff, stopped pinning on my baby boards and just pretended like he wasn't even there. I didn’t want him to exist, I didn’t want to know him or love him. He had destroyed my dreams of ever having a daughter.
I feel sick as I write this now, with my little one curled up in my arms. How could I have ever felt those things about this precious baby? I mourned the loss of my daughter up until the day he was born. I have come to terms with the inevitable and while I am still ashamed at my behavior and all of the bonding I missed out on through pregnancy I am glad that I was allowed to process my feelings in my own time.
Gender disappointment is not uncommon but is rarely talked about. Many people see having a healthy baby as more than enough and grieving or being upset over something such as gender is thought to be selfish, but it's not. Just like birth we often picture our children a certain way and when things don't turn out as we expected or wanted it's natural to have feelings of anger, disappointment or depression. Many families go through the grieving process when they realize their dreams of parenting a specific gender won't come true, this too is normal and healthy. If you find yourself in this situation know that it's ok to have these feelings and reach out to a friend or partner to help you overcome this often difficult and lonely period.
Today as I write this on the eve of getting my tubes tied, I know I will never have a little girl to spoil with pink and ponies but I'm ok with that. The heartache is still there and it may be there for awhile but that too is ok because I know one day my sons will grow up to get married and we will welcome three daughters into our family. I know that's a long ways off so for now I just have boys and dirt and trucks.
